November 7th (Rainy)

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(9.23 PM) - It has been rainy for the past few days, or even weeks, just the type of weather that I love when I get to stay at home. The chill that I get, is soothing. I don't particularly enjoy hot weather especially when I am trying to squeeze some juice out of my brain. Well, of late, I have been embarking on a journey of nothing but continuous learning. Until now, I have not been able to convince myself that the research work that I am doing are actually very much related to the electrical discipline. I just don't know. Sometimes I felt suffocated at the amount of hard core knowledge that I am pulling in. Perhaps I am just not that good in academia. Do I enjoy it? Honestly, only sometimes. Life is not just about research, and this is something that many researchers have failed to see at times. My goal has always been the same - to live life according to the call that is given to me at the very moment, and at this point, my call is to be a good postgraduate student and a good tutor. I may not have achieved it, but at least, I aimed at the bull's eye.

Sometimes, I really feel lost. Lost at the future, lost about my past, and even lost about the present. Many a times, I would wonder, where am I now if I had not gone through that life-threatening experience. What would I be doing now if I am just as healthy, and just as normal as any of my friends. Why oh why, I ponder upon. I have lived life with a smile for years, and whether I would still be able to do so for the coming years, I hope I could. I could not bear to feel a little upset at the sight of my left arm. Despite all that, I am sure, if none in the world are proud of my existence at all, my parents would be very proud of me. One thought captivates me: No matter how I failed or even screwed up, my parents would love me the same way they would on the day I was born. Something that puts my heart to rest. At the age of 25, I learn this truth about life, which is, there are many things in life that are close to your brain, but only a few are close to your heart. By hook or by crook, I'm gonna pursue those things that are close to my heart.

I'm almost lost in the space of knowledge now. And as I see more of the academia, I get more and more disappointed at the game that academicians are playing nowadays. There's a lot of hypocrisy in the universities, and not many are gung-ho on the fundamentals anymore. That is a sad fact in Malaysia. Even the academia is tainted, and their noble images tarnished with corrupted ethics.

Life, you begin to think of the latter part of life. My friend commented that I always end my line with something about Jesus. Well, I can't life without Him. Can you?

October 16th (Sunny)

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(12.33 AM) - Have not been writing very much, if not at all, due to the overwhelming amount of workload. Research is going fine, although not fast, and teaching has almost come to an end. He asked me to become his tutor again next semester, which I felt a little uneasy because, having worked with him for a semester, I know what amount of stress he can give others. Somemore, he is not really a sociable person. The words that he picked in email and notes can cause an uproar anytime. I actually do not understand people who would replace simple words with complicated ones, for whatever reasons I do not know, I hope not showing off. Just a couple of days ago, I walked pass his room with my colleague, and there we saw a note on his notice board: "Personal errands at noon." Well, perhaps my England is not too good, I had to search the dictionary to actually find out that the word "errand" actually means "task". Pardon my ignorance, but I do not like to use words that only a giraffe so high can understand. It is sometimes a little frightening that communication can become a media for showing off. I sincerely hope that for the next semester, my load will not be too much.

Many have not been able to understand that I am actually working while studying. The way they look at me is that I am studying full-time. And when I mentioned about me working in the university, most would respond by saying,"You're not counted as working, you're just staying in the university what." Perhaps I misunderstood, but the fact is that, you might not have done as much work as I do eventhough you put down "engineer" as the official position in your name card. You can be an engineer and still be doing petty paper work. That's the fact. I never did bother to defend myself when people comment about me not really "working", because for one thing I know the fact that only people who are insecure would make that kind of comment. People who are insecure usually would bring others down to make themselves feel good. Well, feel good all you want. I am not in the least interested in defending myself because I am secure. By the grace of God, put me anywhere beside you and I will supercede you in performance. Of course, I am not mentioning names here, because I do not have a name in my mind now. If you feel the heat, heal your heart from insecurity. Another day to go tomorrow, and I know it'll be good because the Lord is here with me.

October 4th (Sunny)

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(1.49 PM) - I got back from my lovely hometown a few days ago. It was a revitalizing experience. The mc-ing task that I was afraid and stressed about went on smoothly, and I am glad that I participated in that event, as opposed to my previous entry where I said I dreaded that mission. Well, now I realized, somethings in life, you've gotta face the challenge and do it boldly. Although the fear will eat you up initially, but in the end, the satisfaction will overwhelm you. This is what I experienced in that mc-ing mission.

Me making fun of the couple impromptu!

In the event, I have to call out 17 of her family members and so called "ancestors" for the tea drinking ceremony. This was a challenge for me, because every word that I picked must be socially and auspiciously sound for an event as such. But, I enjoyed the experience nonetheless, and I am glad to celebrate with this couple their memorable day. From wine toasting, cake cutting up to after meal entertainment, I took over everything. Out of all the events, I enjoyed making fun of the couple the most. Anyway, all the best to Kenric and Felicia!

Other than going back for this gorgeous event, I also had the chance to meet with Siaw Hui, Izora and Charisa, my three old friend. They are some of the pretty girls from my school, and I am most certainly quite proud to share the glory of their beauty! We went for karaoke after that, and to my surprise, the karaoke in Kuching are equally as good as those that I find in KL. The interior decor was fantastic, even better than what I see in KL. Kuching is fast becoming another busy city nowadays, but hopefully it does not grow too fast because I am still quite comfortable with the pace in Kuching. For all you know, people go back from work at 4.30pm. Quite a healthy and nice lifestyle. I'd love to stay there for the rest of my life. Well, you can call me a guy with no ambition, but yes, I would stay at home for as long as you know. I just love being home, and I am very reluctant to travel.

Me, Siaw Hui and Charisa

My face looked very red in the photo for which I do not know why. Perhaps I am just being shy taking photographs with Kuching models.

One of my karaoke snapshots

It has been good to return home for a holiday, but reality hits when I came back to KL. My paper that my boss sent to Elsevier for publication, was rejected because of poor English. I guess, my English is just not up to the standard.

A little bit tired now, I think I'd better go and take a rest. Writing is a hobby that needs time and I find myself having little time spent for this hobby.

September 18th (Sunny)

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(2.16 PM) - A few more days to go before I make my way back to my lovely hometown Kuching. Something is troubling me - Felicia's wedding. She previously asked me to be her mc for the wedding. Reluctantly, I agreed. As the date draws closer, I kinda felt stressed about the event. She requested that I go back and look for her mum to discuss the script of the event. I don't why I felt this is some kind of a messy business. Indescribable. This is something more difficult than writing a thousand line program. With her relatives and her family all around, am I up to the challenge to speak some good lines into the event? Before I even go to the event, I would like to clarify that I am not some hired professional mc. So if I make blunders in the event, please remember that I am not the limelight, so for goodness sake please just focus on the bride and bridegroom. Lord, teach me how to handle this event. I really do not know how to handle this whole course of event(s). I am very reluctant engaging in these monkey business, if not for her, one of my good friends, I wouldn't have done it. To her mum, if you can, come and meet me for the preparation instead of me going to you, because I haven't driven for many years and I am not sure if I still have the courage to do it. Well, God, help me. Simple stuffs, but why am I so stressed about it. I felt this is more difficult than preaching a sermon on the mountain top. Sighz...

September 9th (Sunny)

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(7.07 PM) - I was enraged by a call this morning from my department clerk. She asked me whether I could attend a workshop organized by the faculty this coming Friday to Sunday at Port Dickson. I told her I could not attend because I have to go for my regular dialysis treatment in the hospital. Ten minutes later, she called again and said the Head of Department ordered this workshop to be compulsory for me as a tutor. The workshop begins this Friday, and they are informing me today. Amazing efficiency. To be honest, I do not see any purpose of this workshop at all. This so called EAC workshop teaches people how to prepare the paper work for accreditation in the coming year. The most overwhelming fact in all of these things is not the stupid paper work, but in doing all these, are we meeting the so called objectives of outcome based education? I don't think so. As of 2009, 48 out of 62 failed in the mid term test of Physical and Analytical Chemistry I. If only those who head the education system in Malaysia would wake up, go to the toilet, and retrieve their brains out of the toilet bowl, and think before making decisions on educational policies, UM would have been one of the most prestiguous university in the world. With tonnes of paper work on the COs (Cognitive Objectives), PEO & POs (I can't even remember what is that), I really do not see how has those paper work help in putting Malaysia in eyes of the world in terms of education. We always like put the cart before the horse, and most of the time, we are even happy with hitting somewhere around the bull's eye, but not one time did we aim our arrow towards the bull's eye. It is a sad fact that nowadays, UM no longer produce students of superior quality. When you ask the whole class, who is interested in programming, almost none put up their hands. Of course, I am not saying programming is everything, but it does prove a point that people in Malaysia prefer short cuts to success. Programming, difficult, out. Sad, isn't it? The point that I'm trying to say here is, if only our academic system would focus on capacity building and put aside all those useless paper work, we would excel. And if only we can judge everybody of the same standard, and reward based on merit, we would excel. If only everyone is being put under the same pressure and through one educational channel for entrance to university, we would have been on par with Singapore by now. These are my heartfelt feelings. Back to my story, I responded to the HOD's request by writing an email and yelling aloud the fact that I have to go to the hospital for regular haemodialysis treatment during the weekend, and that is why I could not make it for the workshop. A couple of minutes later, the HOD called and apologize to me. That saves my day. I am not ashamed of the fact that I have kidney failure, but neither am I proud of it. My stand has been the same all through these years: "By His stripes, I am healed." If you were to ask me where my life is heading, I would tell you it's heading to the place where Jesus wants me to be. My mum told me this morning that there are some friends in the dialysis ward of SGH who had passed away. Will I end up the same? I rebuke that in Jesus name. My destiny will not be the same because I am Jesus' beloved child. This is the song that appears in my heart at this very moment:

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

If there is anything, take it to the Lord in prayer. I do not understand everything about the bible, nor have I read the bible from cover to cover, but one thing I know, whether I read or don't read the bible, when I present my cares before Jesus, He will command even the storms and the winds to cease, and angels will watch and protect me. O lovely saviour as He is. If there is one thing that differentiates my Jesus and your god, it is the fact that my Jesus loves me, and He shed His blood for me, whereas your god demands blood from you. I've never regretted the day Grace found me.

Abba, my future, my health, my everything is in Your hands. I cast my cares, a thousand pounds, into Your loving care.

September 5th (Sunny)

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(12.55 PM) - Finally after a few days of lingering around my parents' presence, they left this morning. My brother and I now are in KL. I wonder what both my parents will do during their past time. It must be unusual to not have their kids around them. Life is a process. But I am sure one day, me and my brother will be back with them again in Kuching. At least for me, I am almost pretty sure on this point. I've always wished my whole family is here. Thank God, now my brother is in KL. No matter how he has grown, he will always be my little brother. I saw him through the chubby and cute old days, when he was merely one. I remember during his first birthday, we had a happening celebration in my house. The first thing he did, was to poke his fingers into the i-cing cake my mum made. Those were the days when my family's financial status is simply humbling. We could not afford to buy a cake, so that's why my mum made her first i-cing cake. Ask me why I am so bonded to my family, come and live my life, and you'll find out.

Another 15 days and I will be back to Kuching. Whenever I think about the fact that my brother will not be there when I go back home this time. I have a weird feeling. Life without my brother will be boring in Kuching. Yesterday, me and him went for a stupid movie called "Kungfu Cyborg" starred by Alex Fong Lik Sun. It was such a stupid movie, but I guess I am too lazy to watch a movie that requires my brain to spin at 200 mph. Stupid movies are good for me, just for laughs.

Lately I really had very little time to sit down and blog. But after a few days' rest, it seems my brain engine has started to adapt to the holiday-ing mood. I felt a little bit slack today. My heart does not want me to dig into that program that I have not finished. Well, if I gotta do it, I have to do it, but perhaps not today. It is only fair for me to take a day's rest.

I've wanted an SLR camera for quite some time, but it seems that the price is not too good. Well, that can wait. It is not so crucial. It is just a gadget that I would think is good to have. My interest and my enjoyment. I believe the Lord will bless.

It is weird that everytime I trust in the Lord, something good happens. Everytime I told God, I cast all my cares upon You, it is as if God likes to hear this line, that good things happen the next day if not immediately. It was just a few days ago when I told God to fix the July dialysis reimbursement for me, I cast my cares upon Him, and decided not to worry about anything under the sun. Surprisingly, as soon as I arrived at my office the next day, I saw the letter from the treasury that I longed to see. Another amen for the Lord!

My fistula - I guess this is another opportunity for me to trust in the Lord again. Everytime there is trouble, it is an opportunity to trust in the Lord. =)

Where the Lord leads me, there my life will go. This is the theme of my heart at the moment. I've never believe in Cae Sera Sera. But I believe in falling into the plans of the Almighty. When I look beyond the clouds of worry and trouble, I see the rainbow. My life has never been an accident or a coincidence. I know, things happen because something good is ahead of me. God, touch my lips with coal. You know what I mean, perhaps the others don't.

Teaching has been an enjoyable process. God has been placing ample opportunities for me to speak in front of people. It doesn't come by chance that all along, I am walking in the line where I can speak. I do not have any phoebia speaking in public, and in fact I love it. My call as a tutor now in UM is to break something difficult (programming) into something simple for the students to masticate. How I do it will directly affect the students' gastrointestinal function. Many do not realize the importance of being able to influence and teach in the correct way. How many times have we met someone who does not know how to teach? Many, I believe. I do not deny the gift that God has for me.

I better take some sleep before I go for my dialysis later. Still a box of chicken rice awaiting to be savored.

September 4th (Sunny)

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(9.20 AM) - I came straight from the hotel to UM today just to invigilate the KKEK 1142 Numerical Methods for Engineering I mid term test. Wrote a program a few days ago just to randomize the students' seating during this test. The main core of the program is to randomize between various cultural differences amongst the student so that no gang-ing up or pre-planned cheating occurs. Thanks to Tze Chiang for helping with the program, his ideas are very valuable as he always sees things from the IT side. Just dropping a few lines here, before I go and sort out preparations for the test.

September 1st (Rainy)

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(9.48 AM) - Before I begin my day, I have to congratulate Dr. Wan Ashri for being the new head of the department, and many thanks to Dr. Ezzat for his laborious effort in being the ex-head of department. It is a new era now. Lord, I pray that Your blessings will be on this new head. More importantly, grant me favor as You always have. Thank You. Lord, life has no meaning in itself when You are not there. I make you the utmost in my life. I trust You to take good care of me. Praise Jesus.

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